Funny One Liners!

Any one into writing or blogging would tell you about the love he/she inherits for wordplay. I love playing with words and specially to bring out the irony with phrases and twisted proverbs. So here I showcase to you, the grand collection of one liners written by me so far.  Hoping a verbosmic response! :D

When lecturers tell us "You should ask more questions" they clearly aren't aware of the concern we have for our napping friends!

Kolkata people have good road sense. They do like to stick to the left!

Bio-toilets in trains perfectly exemplify the phrase "Shit happens, deal with it!"

Airlift is so bad that it can not be even called a poor man's ARGO!

Booking tickets for Airlift? Pick seat F-16 for the best experience!

That awkward moment when you enter a house with a label "Beware of Dog" only to find a cute-little Pug. Duh, they might as well name him "The Hound"!

Dehradun Delhi flight's air-time is so short that the Pilot's announcement sounded like, "Cabin Crew, prepare for take off...err and also landing!"

It's so hot in Jabalpur that my favorite G.O.T episode has changed from "Winter is Coming" to "Kissed by Fire"!

That Epic feeling of having watched a G.O.T Episode in between of two exams scheduled on the same day!

When United Nations decided to move from 8 MDGs to 17 SDGs, they should have thought for a moment the additional burden it would put on the UPSC aspirants!

I don't like Dark Chocolate but when someone offers, I take it. Duh, they see you as a racist if you don't!

I told my alcoholic friend to "bear in mind" the consequences on his health. All in vain though, he only has "Beer in mind"!

डर के आग्हे जीत है, दादर के आग्हे सीट है !

By the time Nepal finalizes a constitution, rest of the world would have relocated itself to some other galaxy!

Visited Sanjay Gandhi National Park. Apparently it was mating season...for homo sapiens!

For those who say Game Of Thrones is not that great, it has made people desperately wait for "Monday" during the weekend!

हिंदी परीक्षा के बाद अध्यापिका "आप ई की मात्रा लगाने में हमेशा गलती करते हो" Duh, "ई" तो साला होना ही था!

I have decided to practice Yoga everyday from next month, COME WHAT MAY...errr or June!

Everyday I make sure that I give 6-7 hours to Yoga. Mostly SHAVASANA!

I am very happy for this friend who tied the knot today. He has been struggling to learn the Windsor Knot for ages!

That awkward moment when you are arguing for the possible dangers of Global Warming wearing a GOT Tee with a caption "Winter is Coming"!

Those who missed the morning Yoga Class have been called for Penal Yoga. Duh, wonder what they would do..PENALASANA?!

No No, doing too many breathing exercises during Yoga Class does not increase your Carbon Footprint!

Good to see so many people opting for Yoga. After all, we all share our love for sleeping errr ...SHAVASHANA!

Why was Captain America fighting Iron Man in Civil War? 
They had STARK differences!

After Batman Vs Superman, we have Captain America Vs Iron Man in Civil War. Duh, are we short of Villains or something?!

One psephologist told me "One who wins election has no idea how he won, one who losses election has no idea why he lost". Duh, UPSC is not much different!

On way to the Football field I told my mother "Will call later, I have got a MATCH". Mistakenly elated, she asks,"Wow, what's her name?!"

On your way towards Alibagh, you can actually feel your IQ declining every passing Kilometer!

My old ipod "Do you still love me?"
Yes Yes, you are the APPLE of my eye!

At Maruti driving school, they have this simulator which i totally dislike as it is no where close to reality. The auto-rickshaws were giving indicators before turning and sticking to their lanes!

If the topic is Open defecation, howsoever good the presenter be, the lecture turns out to be SHITTY!

Our PT instructor tells us SKIPPING is good but when we practice it, we are given penal PT. Double standards, I tell you!

No No, making fun of a Guy wearing a Pink T-shirt will not qualify as Sexually COLORED Remark u/s 354A of IPC!

That awkward moment when during a Satellite Phone demonstration someone asks "Bhaiya, Android ya Windows?!"

Pawanmuktasana might be effective for dealing with your abdominal gases but for people around you, it's Public Nuisance!

What would you call a guy who knows everything about Drones? Duh, Dronacharya!

Dearly missing those childhood times when we sat for hours watching cartoons while munching chips. Those were the LAYS ...err days!

With one day postponement of Exam, comes two days of procrastination!

No no, yearning for WHITE sand beaches is not racism!

Shakti Kapoor just boarded our flight. I have never seen Air Hostesses more frightened!

Under ‪#‎MakeInIndia‬ … Nagraj, Dhruv, Doga, Inspector Steel and Shakti should also get together and form desi ‪#‎Avengers‬ !

Encouraging a fellow marathoner I said, "Way to go man!", to which he replied, "I guess straight and then left!"

They asked me,"How did you convince so many friends to run the Dehradun half Marathon?" Well I just told them, "The White Walkers are coming, run!"

With classes all day long on Public Private Partnerships, they should give more bathroom breaks in between. Duh, all you here is Pee Pee Pee (PPP)!

At the start of every lecture we are told "Please settle down fast". All SINGLE Officer Trainees are like, "O' believe me, I am trying hard!"

That awkward moment when you go for the Civil Services Day function wearing the shoe brand "Red Tape"!

After a week of Fruit-diet, had Lebanese food for dinner. From फलाहार to फलाफल-हार!

It's so cold in Mussoorie that people are exhibiting depleting levels of commitment. No kidding bro, it's way common here to get COLD FEET!

When my friend was asked to comment upon the inevitability of the Digital Governance paradigm, he was like, "e तो साला होना ही था!"

Football Coach "Don't injure your toes, you all would be becoming DMs soon". Yes yes, we don't want to be labeled as NOTOERIOUS officers!

No no, you can't go to the Consumer Court just because your flight had an ALL-MALE Crew!

Too much of Green Tea can be bad too. Duh, what do you think happened to the Incredible HULK?!

No no, deciding to Color your hair would not qualify as a DYEing Declaration under section 32(1) of Indian Evidence Act!

Gosh, for the nth time I am telling you I haven't seen FAN. Why would I ? I am at a hill station for god's sake!

No Lecturer/Professor is bad. Some impart knowledge, rest are a cure to insomnia!

This friend of mine is always high in spirits. Naa, he's not a motivational speaker, he owns a liquor shop!

All this time we wondered who would lose in Batman Vs Superman but somewhere deep down we knew the answer, the AUDIENCE!

Ben Affleck looks so fat in the Bat Suit that it almost feels like both Batman and Robin are in it!

Geeks and Nerds simply love the festival of Holi. What why, they always aspire to pass with flying colors!

Our Football coach challenged us to dribble with two balls simultaneously. Duh, haven't we all been doing it all our lives?!

Daya from CID should be made a Case Study for senior management folks. He personifies the idea of Open-Door Policy!

Our Horse riding Instructor asked "Why everyone hasn't been given the riding pants?" We told him the stock was limited and it's a BREECH of privilege!

My friend asked," They say you grow a lot during the two month long Bharat Darshan, have you?". Duh dude, have you not seen my beard lately!

Our Football coach told me that my Left foot is way stronger than the Right. Yes Sir, I just returned from a trip to Kerala!

So this guy who runs a Provisional Store nearby, sings real nice. I bet he must be from the "Kirana Gharana"!

Tropical Cyclone HudHud approaching. Hope our preparations are Dabangg enough!

Christopher Nolan's next is titled "Dunkirk" to which people have to say, " यार inception और interstellar में कम से कम नाम तो समझ में आया था"!

In the first Horse riding class itself, they made us do Trot where he jumps a bit while moving. Dude, it was totally a different BALL game!

My friend tells me that I am a totally different person on the Football field. Hell yeah, I get High on the GRASS! 

Whenever I ask for road directions in Kerala, they all tell me to simply Keep LEFT!

DiCaprio finally succeeded after years of waiting in his 6th attempt at the Oscars. Sounds like a UPSC success story of an unreserved candidate!

Feeling a little out of place in Kerala as I am an Atheist and this is GOD's own country!

Mojito gives Vitamin C. Too much of Mojito gives Vitamin PEE!

In the Parliament House we came across a Meeting Room without any furniture. Duh, it was for the Standing Committees!

Dear beard, apologies but we need to part ways as you were coming in between unintentionally. It was a CHEEKY affair!

At National museum, guide told me that Mohanjodaro had a GREAT BATH. Duh, tried this new shower gel today and I too had a great one!

In India, rupee and morality seem to be competing to see who can fall more?

During the Disaster management lectue today, the roof started leaking and rainwater poured in meanwhile we pondered if the topic was MANAGEMENT of disaster or DISASTER of management!

That awkward moment when you are in Delhi and someone asks you out for a walk to get some FRESH & CLEAN air!

In Tirupati, my friend suddenly became spiritual and asked, "What is Dharma?". I told him that it is a movie production house founded by Yash Johar!

At Mudumalai Tiger Reserve, we could only spot lots of prey but no predator. Had my friend Sheldon been here to console me he would have said "Deer Deer"!

At Mudumalai, the forest official told us the tigers here are very shy and do not come out often. Duh, such places are rightly named Tiger RESERVE!

That awkward moment when you go to the Tea Board of India for a meeting and someone asks for a Coffee instead!

Birthdays celebrated in Goa always stay with you. Duh man, Hangover!

You know you are getting old when people stop using the expression "Birthday BOY"!

Birthday bumps is how your friends ensure that you have a KICK ass party!

My friend asked Why "we should Breakfast like a King"? I told him since " There ain't no such thing as a free lunch! "

That awkward moment when you are inside a submarine and someone asks "ये डुबती तो नही है ना?"

So this singer friend of mine in Mumbai asked me tips for reducing weight. I told her to try her luck at the DIET Coke Studios!

If indeed Gujarat is a dry state, then why do we have a city named JAMnagar?!

Those who go to watch films like दिलवाले and then complain about the absence of logic are certainly not दिमागवाले!

Came alone to Inox for a movie only to find an empty house. Feeling awkward with 9 couples!

Good luck to all those appearing in UPSC Prelims tomorrow. Just remember what will not work this time is the rhetoric that "कोई न, CSAT में फोड़ देंगे!"

When in Pokhran, play Antaakshari. What why? सारे "गामा" radiations are there!

We were to visit a cow-shelter today but couldn't due to time constraints. Now I feel bad for those GUYS!

While passing by Pokhran the audio system of our car suddenly caught some FM channels. Well, radioactive zone it is!

Some wannabe in market "Hamara phone to RADIOACTIVE hai, sala sara FMava pakadta hai"!

Spending some time on the Indian railway platforms empowers you to face any amount of shit in life.

No no, spending more time at the Karni Mata Temple to get a glimpse of a WHITE rat (symbol of good luck) is not racism!

Batman v Superman is so boring that it should rather be titled Yawn of justice!

Watched Batman vs Superman: Dawn of justice. By the time I came out it was evening already and felt like DUSK of INJUSTICE!

Those who throw Water balloons at others, should not wear transparent clothes!

This Christmas Santa needs to come up with an Open, transparent and accountable gift distribution system. What why? Its Good Governance Day as well!

The Babus working in lower bureaucracies love to paint any wall Red. Would not call it art, more of a spit-personality disorder!

That awkward moment when you reach "the-still-damn-cold" Mussoorie and the Course team wishes you a WARM Welcome!

KanyaKumari was so windy that my hair status got a downgrade from "Vulnerable" to "Critically endangered"!

In Gadchiroli, the local kids asked me what position I would prefer for football. I told them "Right winger" as there was lot of Left Wing Extremism already!

My fat friend wants to solve the problem of Hunger in India. Duh, all he needs to do is start dieting!

My FAT friend asks "Why success of GSLV Mark III with higher payload capacity is such a big deal?".

Duh! Because it has given hope that we would be able to space lift people like you!

Just bought a pack of Khajoor. Duh, its Valentin's and its embarrassing not to have a DATE!

No no, having Ice Tea at Long Island does not amount to having a cocktail!

Scuba diving was a great experience especially since I love sea fauna. I prefer it fried!

When I complained the PVR guys about the foul smell in the Audi they said the previous show was for Mastijade!

There is so much beer in Goa that we must declare it Draught-prone!

There are so many shrines in Haridwar-Rishikesh that roaming around feels like playing "Temple run" for real!

When you visit Karni Mata Temple, don't be scared to see rats moving around with such pace. They simply like to play Temple Run!

They said one should abandon this rat race and go to a temple to find peace. The next temple I visit turns out to be Karni Mata Temple in Deshnok!

Whenever I come to Rajasthan, I become super calorie conscious. Duh, its full of desserts!

No idea why people at this station are so negative. It's Ambala Cantt for God sake not Ambala CAN'T!

Bored waiting for our train at Jammu Station. May be it is rightly named "Jhelum"!

It's so cold in Mussoorie that even Santa Claus has decided to simply courier the gifts! 

The Disaster Mitigation Framework of India needs a serious overhaul as clearly it is not working well given the re-occurrences of disasters like "Dilwale"!

How do you pronounce "David Moyes" in Dutch language? 
Duh, so simple, "Louis Van Gaal"!

Guam, an island nation with a population of ONLY 1.5 lakhs has beaten India in Football World Cup Qualifier. Duh man, here we have 10 lakhs giving UPSC alone every year!

102 Air India pilots found flying with lapsed licences. Dear DGCA, this is not what we meant when we resolved to abolish the LICENCE RAJ!

With "Maggi" heading towards a Nationwide ban, we can soon witness the failure of Food Security Act in Bachelor apartments and College Canteens!

"2-Minute" Silence for these tragic turn of events.

It's so cold in Mussoorie that my music system is only playing Coldplay covers!

That awkward moment when you get a lip cut due to severe winter but your friends do not agree to your reasoning and let their imagination go WILD!

That awkward moment when you are writing your Economics exam sitting in Nehru Auditorium and a question comes on the pros of free market economy!

Confused with concepts of Law and Administration, people are now looking up to the Old Monk for answers but only in vain. Duh, he only helps in Philosophy!

It's so cold in Mussoorie that even the burning questions asked by the Officer Trainees are proving to be ineffective!

This friend of mine finds Game Of Thrones boring and sleeps midway. Duh, you know nothing, Jon Snore!

Nothing clicked today, what a bad day! If only I had liked the Sai baba photo one friend shared yesterday, everything would have fallen in place. Life is that simple.

So this guy came to the Blood Donation Camp hoping that his Hemoglobin levels would disqualify him. Can't blame him, his group was B negative!

A Free-market Economist addressing a gathering of future Public Servants results in one quintessential takeaway..... Existential Crisis!

Watched the new trailer of Batman V Superman. Looking at Ben Affleck as Batman, i feel the movie be rather called Dawn of INJUSTICE!

It's so cold in Mussoorie that people are willing to inflate insignificant differences to get into heated arguments!

During football practice, the opponents injured my toe but I retracted from doing it to them. A toe for a toe would make the world notoerious!

The "last seen at" feature of whatsapp is leading to more breakups than infidelity itself!

Most friends who visit LBS do ask me about that Fake Probationer last year. I tell them that she was from Tihar Cadre!

Like in sports, if the Teacher is running late by more than 15 min, the Class should be given a walk over!

Do not go to restaurants serving super OILY food. Such places are prone to an American intervention!

This age of internet and information sharing has empowered students. Now they can write excellent Book Reviews without even having to read them!

If you drink too much Mountain Dew before your Bungee, there is a possibility of you pulling out a Bunpee jump!

Dear kids, Just learn how to judiciously use the words "Uncle and Aunty" and you would do fine in life!

The guy at the Bungee Jumping point told us they only give 2 attempts. Duh dude, even UPSC gives 6!

The raw magnetism of India's Soft Power goes beyond the realm of this world. Why else would the Good Aliens like Jadoo and PK prefer Bollywood meanwhile the Scary ones cause havoc in Hollywood?!

For Swacha Bharat Abhiyaan, I asked my friend to make an educative poster to which he replied "My drawings look like shit". I gave him the theme of open defecation!

Looking for a place to settle down post retirement? FYI there is a place in UP called Fursatganj!

Our train has not moved ahead from Kakori Station since an hour now. I smell a conspiracy!

No no, spending a lot of time in Hauz khas village does not mean you are rural!

My lawyer friend never heeds my advice. As they say, law always takes it's own course!

Meanwhile waiting for my 12-hr late train, I congratulated a traveler that his was on time to which he replies "PK हैं क्या? ये कल की हैं, २४ घंटा लेट"!

Meanwhile somewhere along the border "Let us observe a 2 minute ceasefire on the occasion of jointly winning the Nobel Peace Prize!"

Meanwhile in Mussoorie I have been allocated Room no 407. Wow, TRUCK-load of fun in the offing!

While watching the beautiful sunset at Kanyakumari all my mother talked about was marriage proposals. Duh, more like Kanyakuwari!

When my Masseur asked for feedback I told him not to use so much of oil with his American clients who might confuse his Spa for Strategic Reserves

After taking the Traditional Kerala massage, I am feeling lighter, just like my wallet!

Mean, Median & Mode are antithetical to federalism. After all, they are the measures of CENTRAL tendency!

These days the leading cause of High *Pulse* Rate is not stress or anxiety. It is the exponentially rising daal prices!

So during the middle of our exam today, there was an earthquake and we all were shaken to the core. Duh, of course by the exam!

Cool Type Probationer(CTP) "Dude, liking your own status/photo on FB is so not cool!"
Keen Type Probationer(KTP) "True, Nemo judex in re sua!"

Meanwhile we indulged in a comparative analysis of GSLV Mk III with other launch vehicles, a voice from somewhere raised the most important question Indians have on vehicles, "कितना देती है ?!"

Today morning i didn't sleep again after snoozing the alarm thus celebrating the victory of Good over Evil. Happy Dussehra to one and all! 

Ran a CROSS COUNTRY race today. When all the BHUTANESE Officers sprinted past me in no time, then i realized why it is named so!

To all those in the marriageable age who are hoping that their families are working hard to find a match for them, "परिवार वालो के भरोसे मत बैठिये, क्या पता परिवार वाले आपके भरोसे बैठे हो !"

Horror genre in short stories does not make sense to me. What why? The devil is always in the details!

What did Morpheus tell Neo when they met in a Fete? 
Duh, "Fete, it seems, is not without a sense of irony"!

After a 10-day trek in the Himalayas, Mussoorie feels like a glorified extension of the Gangetic Plains!

Now that I have taken a holy dip at Gangotri, can i be retrospectively punished for my sins?!

No no, washing away your sins by taking a dip at Gangotri is not against the Clean Ganga Mission!

On a 10 day trek in the Himalayas. Every morning before making the climb I feel like Manjhi.
"बहुत बडा है तु, बहुत अकड है तोरा मा ।
जब तक चढेेंगे नही, तब तक उतरेंगे नही! 

Dear Google, Happy 17th Birthday. Next year when you turn 18, many men would be wanting to marry 
you, as you have everything they have been searching for!

Couldn't convince this friend of mine to prefer brown rice over white rice. Duh, he is such a ricist!

CSAT जाने का गम हम भुला न सके , PCS देने का मन बना न सके।
इस असमंजस के अंजुमन में, फिर उसी रास्ते पर निगाहें पड़ी ।
इस गुस्ताख़ दिल ने भी हामी भरी, और कहा,
CSAT नहीं तो क्या हुआ , CAT ही सहि।
Happy Engineering Day!

Marathons are a great experience. Where else do you find so many girls running after you!

On the starting point of the run when I started my music player, plugged in the earphones, the first song which came up was "अरे रुक जा रे बन्दे, अरे थम जा रे बन्दे!"

No No, you cannot run 2 Kms per day and then claim having done a Half Marathon in 10 EMIs!

No stupid, cloud computing will not become dysfunctional on a clear sky day!

I don't know what the Aerobics instructor meant when she repeatedly told us to "keep breathing". As if we won't if she doesn't remind us!

So we were standing outside this IRANI Chai point looking all skeptical when the owner came out and assured us that his facility is IAEA approved!

Dear EA SPORTS FIFA, your simulation is no where close to reality. Howard Webb gave my Manchester United team four Yellow cards for crying out loud!

So was at my friend's place discussing Sepp Blatter before a game of FIFA on his PS4. When he inserted the CD, a msg popped out saying "FIFA is corrupt"!

Dear alumnus Sundar Pichai, today on the occasion of Foundation Day of IIT Kharagpur, can we please have a dedicated Google Doodle?! 

As per a historian the popularity of bhajans came down by 17th century with the end of Bhakti movement. Obviously, he has never been to Kharagpur.

The idea of TAPI pipeline has been true to its name. It has always been in the PIPELINE!

Dear Google and Wikipedia, on this auspicious occasion of Guru Purnima, extending my gratitude for all the learnings!

Watched ANT MAN. And as a tribute to the great work done by all ants in the movie for humanity, I resolve NOT to use the laxman-rekha against them ever again!

The volume of literature available on Artificial Intelligence is so huge that by the time you finish reading it, probably the machines would have already taken over!

People would really fear the looming Artificial Intelligence revolution, the day SIRI answers the question "Why did Kattappa kill Bahubali?"!

No no, a blonde colouring her hair black or brown is not Artificial Intelligence!

No no, higher amounts of Methane in early Jurassic Period was not because of Fartosaurus!

Never marry a Paleontologist. She will always have a bone to pick with you!

Hyderabad city is surely not for teetotalers. What why? It is based "on the rocks"!

I like Ice Breaking sessions. They are the perfect precursor to "on the rocks"!

The night is darkest, just before the dawn. 
The Room is cleanest, just before arrival of Mom! 

Like our defence sector, Indian Football team also desperately requires FDI in defence!

As any Exam nears, more and more unread topics emerge only to quantitatively climax just seconds before it begins!

Bored of planting trees? At least cultivate some GRASS. It is HIGH time that we show some environmental concern!

No No, only eating the egg whites and leaving out the dark yellowish yolks is not racism!

This mathematician friend of mine says that he gets a HIGH out of solving equations. Duh, just another math-head! 

Is it just me or the dust storms have really become more frequent and severe post the release of Interstellar?!

Met this jockey person in the metro. So loquacious that I had to ask him to "hold his horses"!

I always wonder why would they name a cocktail "Sex on the beach". Duh man, sounds more like a cock-tale!

COMPULSORY ATTENDANCE is like an instrument of oppression used by the Bourgeois academia to control the Proletariat students!

Attended a very thought provoking lecture today. All the time I was thinking "How can someone talk so long continuously without making any sense?!"

So my friend asked me to get a cake for Karl Marx's birthday the other day. I got one and ironically it turned out to be CLASSLESS and so some of it is still LEFT!

Happy Birthday Karl Marx. Like many, I do not question whether your theory was Right or Wrong? I know for sure, it was LEFT!

Who says bureaucrats oppose change? We love constituting a NEW committee to understand the recommendations of the old!

If you are dating a mathematician, make sure he is not into algebra. They just can't get over finding their X!

Do you feel you aren't able to get your hands on the best of weed around? Dude Relax, GRASS is always greener on the other side!

Just saw a banner of Flite Footware with tagline Fashionable and "Lite" featuring Sonakshi Sinha!

Duh, dude which Friday isn't a 'Good' Friday with the Weekend always in the offing?!

This friend of mine, through out school, his performance was 'Out Standing'. But I really wish the teacher should have allowed him inside the class once in a while!

There are two types of bureaucrats. Those who 'call the shots' and then those who like Tequila!

That fun moment when you buy a bunch of Batman T Shirts, go to the cash counter and on being asked your name you tell the cute girl "Bruce Wayne"!

Ate too much? Having gas issues? Keep Calm, this too shall pass!

They say "Your hair is the true reflection of your health". Duh, what would you call the bald populace then...Zombies?!

GAP store opens in Saket. Now metro can actually make some marketing money from their usual announcement "Doors will open to the right, please mind the GAP!"

Marriageable age is the best time to attend weddings. It's like a licence to flirt!

One should always flirt with utter caution. One small mistake can get you committed!

With great Megapixels, comes great responsibility to deliver great profile pictures for your friends!

Started my day with a draining visit to this British period Cemetery. Now just want to Rest in Peace!

Autowala's daughter tops CA exam. Elated, he pledges to take passengers by meter only!

"Arise, awake and stop not till the goal is reached". This worked fine till they came up with the Snooze button!

If it were for real, House Lannister would get the best S&P credit rating. Duh man, a Lannister always pays his debts!

In a country where there is a queue for everything, we love being told "You're next!". Except of course in Weddings!

Walter White knows all the "Knock Knock" jokes. What why? After all, he is the one who knocks!

Dear Bank Balance, why so low, smoke some weed, get HIGH!

The older you get the more firmly you believe that "Age is just a number"!

The person who invented the SNOOZE button must be given Nobel Peace prize!

I think my Avengers Obsession is going haywire. The other day while listening to the song "हमपे ये किसने हरा रंग डाला..." all i could think of was, the Incredible Hulk!

Brand TJ's (by the Tihar Jail Inmates) has introduced variety of cookies in their food segment. Man, that's like the perfect snack one can imagine while watching Prison Break!

It takes a lot of balls to play Football the way I do. Err.. not that dude, its just that whenever I kick the ball, it goes flying out of the ground!

Brand "Red Tape" has now introduced woollen apparals recognizing the contributions of Bureaucrats in giving a Cold Shoulder to citizens!

These days you don't get to see open defecation while travelling by trains. No No, not an impact of Swachcha Bharat Abhiyaan, it's just that the fog is too dense!

Called up the local multiplex to ask why they are not running Interstellar to which the voice said "बड़े भाई, पहले Inception तो समझ में आ जाये! "

Once the Germans were so pissed off that they took down a wall. We Indians are not that aggressive, we just like to piss on them!

Whatsapp introduces Blue Ticks which confirm that your messages have been read. All India Boyfriend Union (AIBFU) to launch a massive protest at Jantar Mantar!

A TOI delivery boy has cracked IIT exam. So he has 'substance' unlike the newspaper he sold!

A diplomat friend wanted to gift his wife something sensational, gripping and intriguing, I told him to go with "String of pearls"!

Manmohan Singh gets Japan's National Award for enhancing Indo-Japan ties which tells us how significant SILENCE is in any relationship!

I am into Yoga these days. Mostly Shavasana. Okay okay, only Shavasana. Alright I give up, sleeping like a baby all day long!

If Red Tape slows down bureaucrats, does that mean they are good in bed?!

A kid on the street was trying to fire a rocket which just refused to fly. I told him to replace the "Kingfisher" bottle with anything else!

ISRO has made more no. of successful PSLV launches than no. of successful tatkal tickets booked by an average Indian!

Those Civil Service aspirants who have seen Haider, in case there is a question on AFSPA, don't get all emotional and write "AFSPA is Chutzpah"!

Some of the aspirants protesting outside ‪#‎UPSC‬ over the anti-Hindi bias are holding placards with messages written in English!

So I went on praising Haider to my train companion only to later know he is from Indian Army & posted in J&K. Chutzpah, chutzpah, chutzpah!

A nearby gym is offering 50% discount for couples. Are they promoting work outs or make outs?!

No stupid, Bureaucrats smoking e-cigarettes outside Central Secretariat is not a salient feature of e-Governance!

The executives of our State have always inspired us to take the path shown by Gandhi. Why else do you think there is a MG road in every city?!

"What do you think of the India-Australia Nuclear deal?"
It's OZsom!

"Can you give me two good reasons why you would like to be a teacher?"
Duh, June and July!

FACT "Intelligent people have more Zinc and Copper in their hair". Damn, is that why my hair feels like Brass?!

Footprints in the sands of time are not made by sitting down....this way you can only make ASS-prints!

In this era of e-mail, e-governance and e-commerce, viruses are also catching up the trend....e-BOLA!

You can't tell the couples making out in the movie halls to "Get a room". They are already in 'that' room!

Saw a signboard in the lawn of a Drug De-Addiction Center which read "Keep off the GRASS!"

  • Why bureaucrats seldom update their status messages?
    They are status quoists yaar!

When under pressure, just 'hug' it out. Works both in English and Hindi!

A bureaucrat asked me to suggest a good shoe brand. I told him to go with 'Red Tape'!

Congress has only 44 seats in the Parliament. It's like getting in a Catch-22 situation, twice!

It's not my friend's fault that he is a pessimist. He was born B Negative!

A friend with weed is a friend indeed!

When in Rome, do the Romans!

Happy male-chauvinists-putting-pro-women-status Day !

I politely asked this farmer which manure he is using to which he rudely replies "Bull Shit"!

So in some spider species, the females kill/eat the male after mating. God bless Spiderman!

I want to marry a Paleontologist. The older I get, the more she will love me!

If you think things are moving too fast in life, go spend some time in a bureaucracy!

No No, having two slices of cheese cake, one in each hand, is not a Balanced Diet!

To err is human. To blame it on someone else, is even more human!

Those who live in glass houses, must turn off the lights when they are doing it!

For tonight, let's abandon all mosquito coils, All outs and Hit sprays as a tribute to the mosquito who bite Kasab

Meanwhile we indulge ourselves in Fool's day banter, the Income Tax people are celebrating their "New Year" today!

If laughter was the best MEDICINE, don't you think Navjot Singh Sidhu would have died by now because of DRUG OVERDOSE?!

Martin Luther king "I have a dream!"
Christopher Nolan "I have a dream within a dream within a dream....!"

Never give up on your dreams. Snooze the damn alarm and keep sleeping!

Husband fraternity " Aha, women's day, as if all other days of the year are not theirs!"

So this beautiful beautiful girl falls on me accidentally and then APOLOGIZES. I mean what was that about?

No doubt Air India provides the best care to the travellers. Most of their air-hostesses are grandmothers!

Sunny Leone's husband says he fell in love with her in 30 seconds. Or was it just premature infatuation?!

Dalai Lama says no problem with gay marriage. Didn't i tell you, "Old monk" is liberating!

Why Gujjars protest on railway tracks when it is very clear that IRCTC is against reservation?

When I was a kid, I was cautious using the word 'uncle' for only those who had kids. But today's kids, I tell you!

Civil Service aspirant spot peeing on the wall of exam center and claiming to have done well in 'ethics' paper simultaneously!

Just before the "Ethics" paper, seeing the long queue at the Men's Washroom, a bunch of boys stormed into the Women's one. Chutzpah, Chutzpah, Chutzpah!

Everytime you see a beautiful girl siting in the next compartment and not next to you, you more firmly believe that the universe is conspiring against you!

It's so cold in Mussoorie that I forgot how hot I was!

It's so cold in Mussoorie that I get into the refrigerator once in a while to warm-up!

No No, taking action against Black Money is not racism!

In an interview, Pappu was asked to give his views on Euthanasia. He says, "Youth in Asia are more talented and hard working than those in America and Europe!"

Glad my birthday comes in winter, really need the "warm" wishes!

IRCTC has launched a new lightweight version for tatkal hours. It has the potential to irritate you faster than the normal version!

If you think your profession is frustrating, think of those travel agents who spend all day on IRCTC!

Whatever you decide to do, always give your 100 per cent. Except when donating blood.

My friend tells me that we need to know the PAST to understand the PRESENT and to predict the FUTURE. He has got me all tensed!

My fat friend tells me that obesity runs in his family. The truth is, no one runs in his family!

More space missions to Mars than to Venus is just male chauvinism!

It's so cold here in Mussoorie that I have stopped believing in global warming!

It is so cold in Delhi that I am contemplating becoming pro-Global Warming!

As a kid, I loved it when pretty ladies awed by my cuteness came up to me and kissed me. Also, we never really grow up!

If there is a way to delay a work, a 'good' bureaucracy will find it!

Offered my seat to an old man in metro to which he says " Son, why do you preassume that I need the seat more or that I am weak? At 69, I feel energetic, excited and thrilled!"
Duh! When at 69, everyone feels the same way!

All that glitters is not gold. Mostly it is bald men showing off!

My new footwear are so comfortable that I have started believing in Sole Mates !

Never run away from your problems. Unless your problem is a dog pouncing on you!

Always believe in something. I believe I will have another drink!

Those who live in glass houses, should turn off the lights when they are doing it!

There is this friend of mine, I really like her curves. She is into fine arts!

I would like to thank God for many things. Atheism tops the list!

The Earth is getting dull. Is it because we sent curiosity to Mars?

So this gay couple asked me directions for nearest metro station, I told them to go straight!

Seeking enlightenment, I sat beneath this Bodhi Tree, like Buddha. And after a long long wait all I got was, Bird Shit!

When life gives you lemons, come to my place. I have tequila!

No stupid, a sleeping bull is not called a "Bulldozer"!

At the end, all a Chinese tourist in India wants is to find a souvenir which is not "Made in China"!

Hey inflation, you have been high for quite some time now...which weed??

Asked a Monk if he had change for 100 bucks, he replies "Change must come from within!"

I will always, always hold her hand. If I let go, she shops!

Marriage is not a word. Rather it is a sentence. A life sentence.

Lance Armstrong should be given some credit. People can hardly walk when drugged.

How would you feel if someone turns you on and then leaves? Hence, lets resolve to save electricity.

A day will come when Theaters and Multiplexes would no more show the Vicco Turmeric commercials. We will call it- Liberation!


manu gupta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jyotishman das said...

One oneliner from me: I'm so disorganized in studies that even my favourite topic is Entropy!

Dhaval Deolasi said...

Very creative! These are quite witty one-liners. It also aroused my creativity. This is what I think of -
My laptop was running smoothly and then it appeared out of the blue.
Yeah, that blue screen of death!

My laptop woke up from hibernation.

Some companies monitor what we are doing on our monitor. And they say that customer is the king.