The Descendants _|_

                                   

Suck-fest seems to have started and here comes yet another shitty movie. After the shockingly disappointing J.Edgar, comes yet another googly which achieves new levels of sucking. And for the absolutely paradoxical reviews put up by various leading Newspapers, critics and the high IMDB ratings- Screw you guys, may your souls bleed in hell.Vafanapoli !

Apparently, the movie is about the interplay of human emotions and the complications in the relationship of a father and his daughters. Although it is actually an utterly boring and mind-numbingly slow portrayal of a man who loses his wife in an accident and then has to deal with his daughters, family and the extra-marital affair of his wife. The character Clooney plays  (Matt King) seems to be pulling too many strings and confuses you all over. The drug-addict elder daughter alias motherless whore undergoes a sudden dramatic change and becomes all goody-goody and perfect daughter material. The extra-marital affair seems to lead in front and the movie tries to convince you that even these pigs who betray should be given chance to express their emotions. Give me a break, Christ! The sub-plot of selling the ancestral land keeps on coming randomly in between but remains utterly weak to gain any importance.

Director Alexander Payne proves to be a real Pain in the ass. Although unconsciously, he puts an element of mystery in this family drama. The mystery of this title. The descendants. Was it meant to highlight the relationship between generations of a family? Or was it in reference to the safeguarding of ancestral property by the protagonist ? Either way , it fails to convince you, as both feel not more than a sub-plot. George Clooney, who is attracting so much of attention for this mediocre performance, is yet another mystery. This Matt King is no match to Micheal Clayton and everything here seems Up in the air.  At the end, you feel like killing yourself and those who praised this disaster. Let me make this loud and clear, THIS IS SHIT, MAINTAIN DISTANCE!

P.S. It deserves not even a single star but only the middle finger.

J.Edgar *

Well, not always can we expect a superb director-actor double to work. And certainly this biopic on John Edgar Hoover, the man responsible for the inception of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and also for taking it to an unprecedented level, fails to impress. Miserably.

Clint Eastwood's direction seems dull for most part of it and he stretches it too far at the end. And because of that, the result would definitely not fetch him Million Dollar Baby.  Leonardo DiCaprio's portrayal of Edgar lacks the charisma of the person who supposedly out rooted the seeds of communism in America. He was not that bad. It's just that he is capable of so much more. You find it difficult to resist from the glimpses of his similar portrayal of a famous man in the cult Aviator. And in comparison, Edgar clearly losses to Howard.

The movie uses the passe flashback cinematography to interlink various stages of Edgar's life. Set up in the backdrop of the rise of radical communists in America in the earlier decades of twentieth century, the plot revolves around the unshaken determination of a man to fight crime and to institutionalize the skills that developed in the due process. The problem here being that Clint decides to go micro on some of the issues and the audience fails to visualize the gigantism of this extra-ordinary man.

The highs of the movie- The speeches which Edgar makes to the Congress defending his Bureau, impressive depiction of the influence of his mother on his persona and powerful narration in the voice of DiCaprio. And yes, the part of Edgar's life, when he was gay. The bloody man-to-man lip-lock gives the audience something to talk about. At the end, it doesn't even qualify for a movie. If you missed the documentary on Edgar which was aired on History Channel, you can think about going. But even then, I would say, avoid it!

CBI cracks pink puzzle

New Delhi. For the last couple of days, Indian markets all over where missing something which is the biggest turn on for girls. All of sudden the textile market seemed to be out of stock for pink apparels. Name anything, from caps to socks, from purses to pants, and it was not available in the color 'pink'.

As per the National Sample survey organization, the sale of anti-depressants went up like anything in the last couple of days and women buyers accounted for like 99.99% of it. On a similar note, a study conducted at AIIMS revealed that multitude of women came in for psychiatric assistance complaining of severe depression. Numerous cases of women fainting were seen in CP, Palika Bazaar and Rajouri.

Amazed by the turn of events, the chairman of National Commission for Women(Maoist), Rakhi Sawant had made an appeal for an CBI inquiry to be made in this regard. She had also approached the PMO seeking a relief package of 5000 Cr to fill in for the shortage of Pink apparels. She had also demanded that 100% FDI in single brand should be implemented in a mission mode so that global giants like Versace, Giordino and Gucci can help India to recover from the pink crisis.

But as per the latest developments, the mystery has been solved. CBI has revealed in it's report that the reason behind these unfortunate series of events that almost brought the female population of the country on the verge of extinction, was the demand pull of Pink cloth in UP so as to cover all the Mayawati statues and her elephants. One UP official who did not want to be named told the media that there were so many statues and elephants that they had to cut supply to all other parts of India and used all the pink cloth available in the market. These set of events have attracted serious criticism from women sections across the world and has again highlighted the gender bias in India. The Election Commission has apologized and said it did not see this coming, but this is not enough to stop Rakhi Sawant who plans to sue the Election Commission.

Bayern, Bhutia and Indian Football

I remember it was back in December that I had heard about Bayern Munich coming to India for a friendly. And somehow completely lost track of it like other Hindu readers. And was a little shocked to read that the match was today. Holy cow, would I get the tickets now. Ephemeral sadness, only to realize that this was India, where Cricket is the religion.

But the scenes at the Nehru Stadium scared the hell out of me. The last time I saw these many people with Indian flags was the agitation for Lokpal. The queue was so long that for a moment I thought I stand no chance. But then this group of people, standing just next to me, had an extra ticket and I pounced on the opportunity. That was good luck and those were pretty good seats as well. Thanks stranger.

Even from outside the stadium, I could feel the electric atmosphere being generated by the rare Indian football fans. And when I got inside, to see the 65,000 capacity Nehru stadium almost full, was a nice surprise. But probably the Indian sports administration did not see this coming at all. All the seats on the upper tiers were covered with a thick layer of dust. Looks like post-commonwealth games, no one gives a damn. It was really pissing to see the wonderful stadium in this disgusting condition. But the fans seemed too excited at the prospect of witnessing mesmerizing Robben and Ribery,

The game started. And I bet everyone was aware of the vast difference in the levels of both the teams. And we were just happy cheering the moment Indian team got the ball or we went into their half etc. To be frank, these were very rare moments. At least in the first half. They scored 4 in the first half mostly from open play and the one from Schweinsteiger was mind-blasting. But kinda got the ball in the second half and created a couple of chances which was nice. And the moment when Bhutia was called off, every one in the stadium stood up and bowed to the man who is the face of Indian football. Respect. It felt kinda nice not to let them score in the second half. Something of a achievement we can say. Moreover, defensively we did pretty well restricting a world class team to just four. And our goal keeper surely deserves an applause.

Overall, a step ahead for Indian football I would say. More clubs need to be contacted and invited to play in India. The football fans seems to be multiplying like anything. It was great to see a near houseful football match when even cricket matches these days are unable to attract crowds. Big names like Bayern are surely a crowd puller and next in line should be none other than the most followed club in India. Manchester United. The only way to catapult Indian football to higher levels is to use such established brands to sensitize the Indian crowd.

P.S. The only thing bothering me was the empty seat next to me. 

Inception and UPA II

Somewhere in the dark corners of the capital, a cabinet meeting was scheduled off the record with media totally unaware of Government's secret project.All the cabinet ministers were dressed up in black and their faces covered with their hoods, except that of the PM, because you know... The agenda was two-fold. How to deal with Anna and Mayawati ?

Suddenly the discomforting silence was broken by the PM.'I have an idea. On my recent tour to America, I met Nolan who taught me something about inception. We can use this rare skill to plant ideas in our rival's mind that would ultimately benefit us.'

KS : I have heard of that. But what if this idea is not actually yours and has been planted by them in your mind. And how do we know that this is not a dream.

PM : Even I had this doubt when I became the PM for the first time. But Madam told me there was a reason why I was chosen. Our kind, have different type of brain. Something much more complex and cannot be incepted by the opposition.

KS: Oh, Nice! What is the plan then?

PM : We will plant the idea that Lokpal can be too dangerous in Anna's brain and to break up Uttar Pradesh in Mayawati's brain!

All  cabinet minister(in chorus) : Singh is King !!
PM raises his hand in response to the applause.

KS: But I am not sure if Mayawati has a brain.

PM : I know. Odds are against us but we don't have a choice.Ok. PC, you deal with Anna and KS you go to Maya.
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PC goes to Anna's fast venue where he is asleep. He enters his dream disguised as Swami Agnivesh.

AH : What do you seek SA?

SA: I seek a path to fight the corrupt.

AH : I offer you the path of ombudsman.

SA: He will not become a hero, you also know it deep down, don't you?

AH : Yes, but he's the hero India deserves, not the one it needs right now. So we'll flaunt him because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.

SA : We need a hero with a face and not some vigilante.

AH: What do you mean ?

SA : You are making him more than just a man. You are devoting him to an ideal. And if they can't stop you, it will become something else entirely. Lokpal, Mr. Hazare.

AH : Corruption is killing people SA, what would you have me do?

SA: Endure. Take it back. They will hate you for it. But you have already lived your life. You can take it. You can be an outcast.Only you can make this choice, the right choice.

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KS goes to Mayawati's place. He tries to enter her dream as her party promoter but finds out soon that  dream levels are not possible and the only possibility is the limbo. He finds her there siting alone and contemplating of forming a party to fight election.

M : I think there are enough dalits like me who can ensure enough votes.

PP : Right, but they seem to be restricted to a certain part of the state. Only if others weren't in this state.

M : People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Mayawati, as a woman. I'm flesh and blood I can be ignored. I can be destroyed but as a symbol, as a symbol I can be incorruptible, I can be everlasting. I need a symbol.

PP: What kind of symbol?

M: Some thing really big and terrifying.

PP: We can use your face.

M: No. Not an identity, we need a symbol.... Elephant !

PP : But won't people pity more if we chose a symbol like ...I don't know... a pig.

M: It's not what we are beneath; but it's what we do that defines us.

PP: Inspiring. But we need to break the state, so that we isolate our vote banks.

M: Yes, someday , we will.

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In days to come, Anna takes back his fast and Mayawati decides to break the state four ways. The cabinet rejoices the success. PM only smiles though. He still is not convinced that all this is reality and he actually became a PM. He throws his totem on the table waiting for it to stop. But the totem shows no signs of stopping. He look at Madam. She smiles.